I’m feeling helpless. I realised I can’t really help anyone. Not even physically.
I can’t stop pain, I can’t stop suffering, I can’t stop death…..

I am told to be happy. I am told to enjoy my life and spend time with others.

I’m trying my best to do as you said, everything you tell me to do….

I’m lost for words. Even “Thank you for everything” is an understatement.

The passing of my grandaunt. The teary eyes of my granduncle’s.

Granduncle survived a few strokes. The seemingly healthy grandaunt lost to cancer and left before him.

I held his hands. I wanted to be there for him. Just be there. I have no idea how to make him feel better, but I know he is sad and he is entitled to be sad.

He sat on his wheelchair quietly.

I so wished I have spent more time with them, with people who have loved me when I was young.
I saw my uncles, aunties, all have aged… so have I.

…

But I have no time…

From CRP, my coordinator, HS & funder, Jackie, who believed in me.

From Rehab, my supervisor, SK who is ever-so-nurturing and taught me so many things.

From IMH, my director, JK, who trusted me and gave me opportunity to lead.

From ACTION, my manager, SK, who is so skilful and so willing to teach me all that he knows to make me a competent CC. If I have grown to become a stronger and insightful person, he plays a key role in my personal growth.

From beginningless time, my boss, DKR, whose mind is inseparable from mine, has always been so kind to wake me up and is still continuing to do so without expectation….

Thank you all….

I’m not as ill as those in hospital. But I could feel that this house my mind house in is becoming dysfunctional. Needs revamping.

Just before I slipped into much self pity, I watched “Garbage Dreams”… I can’t help feeling that I’m really one lucky sentient being. I feel so sad for them, the fact that life like theirs actually co-exist when I am lying on bed , in the comfort of aircon room, watching channel news asia broadcasting “garbage dreams”.

I’m disappointed in myself…I’m seriously lazy. I don’t have renunciation mind…..

I really miss you.

Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche, Tenga Rinpoche, Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo, Khenpo Phuntsok Nyamgal, Jigme Khyentse Rinpoche, Khenpo Sonam, Yongzin Khen Rinpoche, Khenpo Guru, Garchen Rinpoche, Sangye Nyenpa Rinpoche, Kalsang Rinpoche, Penor Rinpoche, Drubwang Rinpoche ….

__________________

As much as I’m “$$ and AL” stressed due to the Bir trip, seemingly the crying bout in front of Jetsunma and my dharma friends heals the not-seeable, not-touchable pain… the suppressed pain is gone (for now).

I thought I’m struggling now, but looking back, things have improved tremendously.

Thank you Boss!

T.Rpc, no difference from Boss, has taught me so much. May I be as diligent, determined and discipline as you!

Your compassion reminds me of boss. When the commitment is only to recite 21 x mantra, when you said its ok to do certain practice when we are free… I’m really touched. You remind me so much of Boss.

Your determination, dilligence, discipline shocked me totally, just like how the arahat got heart attack when they heard of emptiness. Your improvement is beyond beyond beyond my imagination.

Thank you both of equal no-dual quality, compassion and wisdom. Words, can never fully express it as it is.

The best practice ever. No matter how tired I get, how jaded I become, how numb I am. It got all stirred up. It gets so clear & vivid. Its becomes so easy to identify.  The excitedness, the hope & fear, the happiness, the sadness.

I learn to accept all emotions as emotions that has no inherent essence and accept that emotions come and go.

Thr boss, 4 universal laws experienced. Yes, Boss is part of the package of the path, Boss is the path.

Before he checked-in, he told us, “don’t think too much”.

Best advice there and then & for here and now.

*May I always have the merits to offer the 3 kinds of offerings to Boss.

*I miss you so much so much….